Mr. Rogers Talks About Divorce

Fantasies Are Often More Scary than Reality

Separation and divorce can be very sad and painful for children. Divorce brings many changes, and changes are hard for children. They may feel their family is broken. They may wonder, "If parents stop loving each other, can they stop loving me?" They may also think the divorce is their fault.

Parents can have hurt and angry feelings, too. Divorce can make a parent feel unloved and unwanted. When you feel hurt and upset, it is hard to have energy for the everyday needs of your child. It can be hard to remember that just because one relationship has failed, you have not failed at love. You are still a lovable and loving person.

Divorce changes families in many ways. But a mother and father who don't live together can still help their children feel safe, loved, and part of a caring family.

Children Need Simple Answers About the Divorce.

Most children think they caused the divorce because they were bad. Tell your child, "It is not your fault. This is a problem between the grownups."

It helps children when both parents are together to tell the news about the divorce.

It is enough to say "We are very, very sorry. We tried and tried, but we cannot live together anymore."

Some children think they can get their parents back together. It helps them to hear again and again that the children did not make the divorce happen. And the children cannot "fix" it.

Children Need to Know What Will Change and What Will Stay the Same.

Children don't understand what will change in a divorce. Their biggest question is, "Who will take care of me?" They need to hear there will always be grownups to take care of them.

Talk about the changes, like:

where they will sleep or go to school,
where each parent will live,
when they will be with each parent.
Talk about the things that will stay the same. Children want to know that some things will not change. They need to know there will still be rules.

And of course, the most important thing that stays the same is your love.

Children Need Ways to Express Their Feelings.

Children can have lots of sad and angry feelings about the divorce and all the changes it brings. Those feelings can last a long time.

Help your child to use words and say, "I am really mad!" instead of hitting or throwing things.
Children can get their feelings out by drawing, playing, and making up stories.
Read children's books about divorce. Talk about the story and the pictures.

Children Need to Know It's Ok to Have Their Own Feelings about Each Parent.

Even when one parent is angry with the other, it's important not to say "bad" things about the other parent.

Let your child know it's ok to like being with the other parent. That may be hard for you, but children feel better when they have some good feelings about both parents.

Sometimes children may not want to leave one parent to stay with the other. Let them know you understand that is hard.

Help Can Come in Many Ways.

Let your child's teacher know your family is having hard times.

The teacher can give extra help and comfort when your child is upset.
Tell your child that you told the teacher. Children think the divorce is a secret because no one talks about it. But divorce is not a secret for people who care about your child.
Find another adult you can talk with when you are going through a hard time. That can help you feel better about yourself.

Do things you and your child enjoy -- even small things, like reading a book together or taking a walk. Then you and your child can know there are good things in life to enjoy, even in hard times.

It can take a long time for children to manage their feelings about a divorce. For some children it takes longer than others.

If you feel your child needs extra help, try to find counseling or a support group. Most communities have that kind of help for families -- free or at low cost.

Whatever helps you to remember that you are a lovable and loving person is worth your time and energy.

For more information about helping children with divorce by Fred Rogers, please visit the Family Communications Inc. web site.



How Would You Feel?
an activity for you and your child

Pretending how we feel, or might feel, at certain times can be a good way for children to talk about feelings.

Materials:

Paper plates
Construction-paper shapes cut to represent facial features
Tape

Directions:

Use a paper plate, construction-paper shapes cut to resemble facial features and tape to create different facial expressions. Ask your child to tell you the feelings each "face" expresses.

As you and your child arrange different faces on the plates you have a chance to ask questions such as How would you feel if you were

*Getting ready to open a present
*Riding a tricycle and someone pushed you off
*Throwing a ball in the house and broke a vase
*Going to get a new puppy
*Hearing thunder
*Going to sleep somewhere else

Your child might want to make different expressions about the different situations you present. It helps children to know that we have lots of different feelings -- ambivalent feelings -- about a lot of things, even about a divorce.